"We belong to the light we belong to the thunder"

This will most likely be my last post of 2015, unless another "what the fuck" event happens between now and the end of the year (which, let's be real here, is totally a possibility given how the past few months have gone). 

 
2015 was quite possibly one of the hardest years I've encountered so far. 61 days were spent in the ICU waiting room, ICU patient room at my Nana's side, and shedding more tears and mental breakdowns than I care to discuss. That number also includes the weeks she spent at the rehab facility. On top of that, 8 days were also spent at my Papa's side when he was in ICU just a mere few weeks before Nana fell. Not to mention Dad's heart scare that landed him in the ER and when Papa ended up the in ER while Nana was still in ICU due to his heart stopping and his defibrillator kicking in. That's roughly 70 days of dealing with incredibly terrifying and stressful emergency family situations. Seventy. I realize that may not sound very traumatic given there's 365 days in the year, and had these events been spaced out throughout the year perhaps they wouldn't have felt as traumatic. But all of this happened consecutively, and it was basically two and a half months of FUCKING.HELL. 2015 is officially known as the year of "too many damn hospital visits".
 
In the midst of all of this I was also dealing with my own health/medical issues. Plus the usual family stress, most of which stems off our financial problems. I don't even want to rehash on all of that, feels like beating a dead horse at this point. Plus I'm not looking for pity regarding this stuff, I'm just stating the facts. I've felt emotionally drained, exhausted, and raw for so many months. There have been countless moments where I never wanted to leave my bed or dark room again. I get life isn't always going to be as shiny and happy as a gay man in full drag at a Cher concert (sorry, I couldn't help myself...feel free to throw something at me), and I am well aware there far more people in the universe dealing with things that are a million times worse than my "problems". I just can't shake the feeling that my life isn't supposed to be quite as dark and twisty as it's been this year for someone's who's only 23. Does that make sense at all? 
 
We didn't do Christmas at all this year, due to all of the hospital stays and finances for most of us, and I'm okay with that. Nana told me she was upset she didn't get me anything for Christmas and she still wanted to do something. I said, "Nana, all I wanted was for you to be okay and be home for Christmas. That's it. I just wanted my Nana, and I want you to keep getting stronger. All I wanted was for you to be okay and you are!". It was the truth, but of course Nana wouldn't accept that as an answer. I received a (slightly) early present from a friend that made my Christmas and may or may not have made me cry. Okay...we all know what that means when I say, "May or may not have cried"; I totally did. Happy tears from sweetness overload, of course, so that makes it okay. Right? I just happened to be on the phone with this particular friend when I opened it and it literally left me speechless (aside from "no you didn't", "oh my gosh", and "thank you") and that's saying a lot. I'm not going to go into detail as to what the gift was, or who it was from, because I feel like there are people lurking around on my blog who have no business knowing that information. And I'm finally figuring out that maybe there are some things that I shouldn't mention in my blog. So I'll just say this: that sweet, super unexpected, gift was one of the most heartfelt things I've been given in a long time. It wasn't about the monetary value of it, in fact I told this friend they had gone above and beyond. It was more about the "meaning" behind it, like, "hey I know things are tough right now, but don't forget I'm here and I genuinely care about you. Remember that".  And that? That's exactly the reminder I needed, and that means more to me than the gift itself (even though the physical gift is amazing). Bonus: it yanked me out of a small depression spell so yay for wonderful friends!
 
There's a scene in a movie called Faithful where Cher and her (spoiler alert) captor are talking about a book each of their respective therapists gave them. The first sentence in the book is simply "Life is difficult". Naturally upon reading that line the hot-headed hit man promptly threw the book in the trash basically like "no shit, Sherlock". I'm not entirely sure why this scene has been popping up in my head lately, I haven't watched the movie in months. Maybe it's the simplicity of the scene. Even though the guy threw the book in the trash it didn't change the simple truth of life being difficult. I guess it's a metaphor now that I think about it. Life is indeed difficult. You can choose to accept it or try to do what this guy did and bury your head in the sand while pretending the truth doesn't exist. It really doesn't matter which one you choose to do because either way life is still going to be difficult at times. The more I analyze this scene the more I realize that while it's better to accept the fact that life is difficult, it's also equally important to remember there will be "bright" moments that aren't so difficult. Throwing a non-stop pity party for yourself about how difficult your life is serves no purpose. Sometimes you have to search for the "bright" moments in life, even though it would be much easier to let the darkness consume you; but it is so worth searching for. On my good days I know this truth. On my bad days I don't believe it's worth the search. And that's exactly why I've added this rambling paragraph, to remind myself that it will always be worth the search. It will always be worth the fight to find the light again when my world turns dark. If this happens to help someone else who may be reading this, then I'll consider that an added bonus. 
 
I don't know what the future holds for 2016 because, like most people, I unfortunately can't see into the future. But I can only hope and pray it will be significantly better than 2015. "Think happy and happiness will come to you. Think negatively and negativity will come to you. What we put out into the universe, we will get back like an echo". I don't know about you, but I for one am looking forward to finding out what adventures 2016 holds for me. 
Goodnight all.
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