A week ago Monday, I met with my new primary doctor. Anyone that's read my posts knows how much I hated my previous doctor, the pediatrician, but when we didn't have any insurance I didn't really have a choice but to stay with him. Plus he was one of the few doctors who didn't have a problem writing my Adderall prescription (being a college student who actually has ADHD is tough thanks to the assholes who abuse it). Now that we have insurance though I finally had a chance to get away from him. So I made an appointment with a female family doctor at the main clinic here in town. She was so nice. I was worried she wouldn't take over my Adderall prescription and I'd still have to keep seeing my old doctor for it, but she had no issue writing it since I've been on it for so long. No surprise, I'm under-weight by the way, if I remember correctly I was at 104 when they weighed me that day. I saw the look on her face when I told her previously my average was 110-115, and then of course she inquired about my periods. This could get interesting further down the line. I talked to her about my anxiety and panic attacks, and what's been causing them (ie, the job situation), and I asked her if there's anything I can take on an "as needed" basis. She was so sweet about it, "You definitely need something for your stress, but I'm hesitant to put you on an as-needed medication like Zanax because people have a tendancy to become dependant on them. You're young, I don't want you getting dependant on something like that so soon." I really appreciated that. After talking some more she said it sounded like I had at least a little bit of depression, no surprise there, and suggested we try me on Lexapro, "I can write you a script for it today, or we can wait and see if you level out on your own. Whatever you want to do. The idea isn't to keep you on this long-term, just to help you get through the current problems. If six months down the road things are better and you want to get off the Lexapro, we can do that no problem. If you don't like the Lexapro, call my office and we'll try something else." Love.This.Doctor. I chose to go ahead and try the Lexapro. A week after starting it I felt like the giant raincloud that had been hovering over my head 24/7 was shrinking ever so slightly. I mean, I can tell it's still there. I still feel something weighing down on my chest, but it's lighter now. I feel like I can breathe more. I don't feel like sleeping as much, I don't have as strong of an urge to just lay around and sulk all day. I want to lay around outside in the sunshine in my new ENO hammock reading my Kindle, though the typical Texas summer heat prevents it (seriously, it's hell). Monday of this week I started my full dose regimen, so I know it's going to take a few weeks to really start feeling the feel effects of the Lexapro. But things are slowly starting to get brighter. It's like I was in a dark room and someone is slowly going around un-dimming the lights little by little. It may not sound like much, or maybe it sounds stupid, but it's a start. It's a start.
Yesterday I called to set up an appointment with my old therapist. I don't think I've seen her as my therapist since my Freshman or maybe Sophomore year in High School sooo it's been like somewhere between 7 and 8 years? Wow. I don't know what it was, nothing bad happened yesterday, but I decided I've had enough of feeling miserable 98% of the time. I've had enough of looking like I'm happy when in reality I'm crumbling on the inside. I'm sick of the emotional roller-coaster ride. I have had enough of all this shit I've been carrying around. I'm not doing it anymore. So I thought to myself that it was time to start trying to get better. I obviously can't do it by myself, so what better way than to enlist in the help of a highly-seasoned therapist that helped me so much in the past? The beauty of it is I can talk about anything, even my eating problems to a degree, and my parents will never be told a thing. Ah, doctor-patient confidentiality, how I love you. The only downside is my appointment isn't until the 28th so I still have like three weeks of waiting. But again, it's the start of progess. It's the start of getting better. I'm actually looking quite forward to it.
That's about it, I'm 100% out of a nanny job in less than six weeks. No, I still haven't found another job. It's whatever, I'm trying not to stress about it as much. Things will work out. I hope.
Later all. Name that title.