My motivation to blog these days is shit. Sorry, y'all.
Monday of last week I had my second session with my therapist. I felt more comfortable than I did during my first session, and I felt way better afterwards. I talked about Jayne a little bit and it felt good to get that all out. A few weeks ago I sent Jayne an email trying to clarify what the deal was. As nicely as I possibly could I told her that I knew she was crazy busy but after knowing her for ten years I knew she didn't just drop people for no reason, and if there was something I had said or done that upset her I felt I at least deserved to know what I had done or said. I also told her if she no longer wished to have contact with me that I'd respect that. I still haven't gotten a response, but I know Jayne rarely checks her personal email. Anyway I went to second service at church the Sunday before my second appointment with Sarah and I finally, after a year of not seeing her, ran into Jayne. Ted was with her as usual, but her daughter Julia was with them too, I guess she moved back. In the ten years I've known Jayne, we've never had a face to face conversation that didn't involved a hug hello and goodbye from her. When I said hello to them there were no hugs, and I felt like she had no desire to talk to me, like she couldn't get away fast enough. Maybe that's just my Asperger's socialization paranoia kicking though. As we walked toward the door I leaned to Jayne and quietly asked, "Hey, are you upset with me or something?" She looked at me and flashed a smile, "What? No, I'm not upset with you." I said, "Okay, just checking since I didn't get a response about that email I wasn't sure". To me it seemed like she said it in a very rushed manner, again like she couldn't get away fast enough. That hurt a bit, but I'm trying not to read too much into it.
Anyway I told Sarah about all of that and she said, "I think you absolutely were okay in sending that email. But sometimes when people get married, or remarried, things change. They don't have as much time". I laughed and said, "Oh, I know that. I never expected things to stay the same, I knew neither of us has the time to write our novel emails (what we always called our long emails to each other) anymore. That's fine, I get that. I know she's a lot more busy now, but can't she even respond to an occasional, "Hey haven't heard from you in awhile, is everything okay?" text simply by saying, "Hey I'm not dead, just really busy these days" or return a phone call every now and then?" Sarah nodded, smiled, and told me I made a good point. She also said that it seems like I assess situations in a very mature manner and she was impressed by that. We talked about how much of a support system Jayne's been to me, and I also mentioned how much Lance was of a support system to me before he suddenly moved. I had a really good session with her, so good in fact she let it run a little long haha. I was in the middle of telling her about the legal and school district drama I dealt with in high school when I noticed she was starting to fill out the sheet she gives me at the end to give to the receptionist to set up my next appointment. I said, "Oh, my time's up, isn't it?" She looked up at me and smiled and said, "Yes, but keep talking! This sounds like a good story and I want to hear it." Haha so I told the rest and she laughed when I told her about the screaming match I got into with the school district's attorney (mind you I was 17 at the time) after she started an argument and she also laughed when I mentioned the whole "calling out the Special Ed director in front of a room of his collegues and embarrasing the hell out of him". Some of my proudest moments haha. When I left she told me to eat because I was getting too thin, I laughed and said, "Easier said than done". She wanted to see me again in two weeks, but when I went to schedule the appointment the receptionist said Sarah will be on vacation that week. Shit. So instead of seeing her next week like I desperately need to, a lot has happened since my last session that's been a major stress trigger, I won't have an appointment with her until the 3rd. Two weeks from today. Might not seem like a long wait to some but for me it's a big deal right now.
On the 4th I met with another mother about a nanny job, think I mentioned it in my last post. It seemed like the interview went well, she had a list of questions that I was more than happy to answer. I took a list of references to give to her even though she didn't ask for references. I had Ashley, Marilyn, and Melanie listed. I urged her to talk to my references, I even said, "I could say anything I could think of to make you feel comfortable about hiring me, but I'll tell you these people won't lie for me. Melanie is around me every week in the infant room, for the past three years, out of the three she's the one that will be able to tell you about my work ethic around babies. Ashley and Marilyn have been around me in a work setting for over a year. They also saw how I work with children on a day to day basis, and they know better than anyone about my character and integrity due to the close relationship I have with them. If after talking to these women you have any concerns, I'd be happy to address them." She said she would definitely call them. Sounds like I did good, right? Yeah, I thought so too. So that was on a Monday, and she said she would let me know what they decided by Wednesday, Friday at the latest. Wednesday I got the email, they chose someone else. Fuck.
I still haven't found a job. Fuck.Fuck.Fuck. I'm not going to lie and say I'm staying calm about this. I'm not. But thanks to the anti-depressants/anxiety meds I'm on it's been a lot smoother. No panic attacks so far. Right now it's more of an overwhelming fear of failing life and never amounting to anything. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I'm really hoping she'll up the dosage. Right now I'm on an "entry dose", just to see how my body tolerates it. It's taking the edge off a tiny bit, so I'm hoping I can tolerate a higher dose that will take the edge off a bit more. Fingers crossed.
Melanie's moving, her husband got a better job two hours away. Great opportunity for them but now another huge part of my support system is moving. I mean, we'll still keep in touch, but it won't be the same as seeing her every week and making faces at each other. And this is why I need my therapy session to hurry up and get here. There's a lot going on in my world right now that I honestly don't even feel like blogging about. That's how stressed I am about it. And I know barely anyone actually reads these posts so there's that. Ugh.