Things weren't getting any better, but they weren't exactly getting worse (aside from my eating) and I still got to see the boys at church so I just forced myself to get through each day. Anytime I worked in Timothy's classroom he was glued to my side. If any other kid tried to get me to play with them, read to them, or sit in my lap Timothy protested. If I sat down, he was in my lap. He wouldn't eat snack unless I sat in the floor next to his chair. And I was totally fine with it.
And then things went from bad to worse. On the 5th of this month I had to work at the church in the evening. Usually Ashley and Jeff don't bring the boys but for whatever reason they did that night. I didn't even know the boys were there until my boss came to my room saying Benjamin was asking for me. With her permission I walked down to their respective classrooms to say hi to them. Donna was next to me the entire time. When Ben saw me at the door he said, "Murwissa!" and gave me the biggest hug ever. Oh how I missed my sweet BB. He asked me when I was going to come play with him at his house or Nanners (Marilyn's) house and I said soon. Timothy was equally excited to see me.
As a courtesy to parents, when they start coming to pick up their kids we'll sometimes take the older sibling and walk them down to their younger siblings classroom to make pick-up easier. I did it for numerous parents that night. I saw Ashley and Jeff walking down the hall and without thinking grabbed Benjamin for them. Apparently that wasn't okay. I was housesitting that week and I had only been home from work for about 15 minutes when my phone rang. It was Ashley. I almost didn't answer it, and I wish I hadn't changed my mind. Calmly and politely I answered with, "How can I help you, Mrs [last name]?" "Actually, this is Mr [last name]" the voice on the other line snapped. Jeff had called me from Ashley's phone knowing I'd answer. I felt tricked. I should have hung up right then. He was "calm", but in a creepy "pissed off psychopath" calm. Like, I could tell he was pissed but he was monotone and not yelling which scared the hell out of me. I should have hung up right then. But I didn't, "How can I help you, sir?" I calmly asked. Seriously, I don't know how I stayed so calm and respectful during all of this. "Did you get Benjamin out of his classroom tonight?" he rudely asked. "Yes sir, I was just trying to do my job and be helpful. I apologize if that upset you, that wasn't my inten-" "Here's the thing, Marissa" he cut me off, "We've tried to be civil about this ("fucking bullshit" I thought to myself) but I'm done. I wanted to fire you on the spot the first time I heard about your Instagram account and Ashley talked me out of it". Confused, I asked him if I could ask him a question. He begrudgingly said yes. "Sir, I didn't know you wanted to fire me on the spot, I was told that wasn't a big deal by Ashley. With all due respect, sir, I'm confused. How was I supposed to understand the full extent of my actions, how much they upset you, if your wife wasn't honest with me about the situation?" And you know what that asshole said? "That's not my problem, you just should have known". **Sigh** I said, "Sir, and I don't mean to use this as a crutch, but due to my Asperger's I sometimes don't pick up on the correct social do's and don't's. It is not an excuse by any means, but it does play a part in this. Again, I'm sorry". Well that really pissed him off, "This isn't social! You just should have known!" I said I respectfully disagreed and he became more irate. He went off on a tangent about something and I finally said, "Sir, I don't really know you. I never have. I did know your wife though and I'd honestly rather discuss this with her. I've been wanting to talk to her anyway". Jeff said, "No. You're going to deal with me. But she's sitting right here next to me and she sees this the same way I do. I don't want you near my wife and children ever. Don't speak to them, don't wave at them. I want you nowhere near them". And then I hung up on him and threw up before breaking down in hysterics. He tried to call me again when he realized I hung up on him and I sent it to voicemail. I have never been spoken to like that in my life. I texted Marilyn asking her to call me, knowing Ashley was going to call her and give her version of what just happened. I wanted Marilyn to know the truth, I had no reason to lie. The next day she wouldn't take my calls, and finally texted me (and she included Ashley in the conversation) saying, "You have not respected Jeff and Ashley's boundaries and you have not listened to one thing I have said to you. There is no more talking with me. And Molly will be with the boys while I travel. I'm extremely disappointed". I was supposed to keep Molly while they went to Italy for 10 days, I was counting on that money to make my car payment and she knew it. No telling what Jeff's version of events were. I called Melanie crying and told her what happened. She said she'd talk to Donna for me (my boss at church). I talked to Donna a few days later, the way Jeff talked it sounded like he was going to get me fired but she assured me she wouldn't let that happen.
Mom tried to talk Marilyn into letting us keep Molly and things got weird. She told my mom I had made her out to be a monster to Marilyn and Ashley (which is bullshit), and that Ashley wouldn't speak to her about what happened but she'd talk to my therapist about it. First of all: fuck no. Second of all: my therapist couldn't discuss me with Ashley without my permission, and my therapist wouldn't be able to tell me about what Ashley said to her. If I couldn't be there for the session why the fuck would I agree to that? And third of all: who the fuck did she expect to pay for that? Not me, that's for damn sure. This isn't the Ashley and Marilyn that I knew, loved, and adored. I don't know what happened but I feel not only hurt, but I feel used. I feel like I was lied to for a year. All of the, "You're the little sister I never got to have" and "we love, adore, and appreciate you so much" crap they said to me all the time. Was any of it ever really true?
Mom and I got into a fight about my eating disorder again ("I know you say that for attention", etc). When I showed up to my therapy session last Wednesday my therapist had a surprise for me and I about lost my shit. She shares an office with a psychiatrist. As I walked down the hall with Sarah to Sarah's office she stopped and said she wanted to grab a scale to weigh me. "Why? I know what I weigh. I weighed myself this morning. I'm 98." "It's not that I don't trust you. But from a professional stand-point I need to see it for myself so it can be properly documented." I crossed my arms, "No. I don't want to." Sarah wasn't letting up, "Why?" "Because I don't want to, I don't have to, and I know you can't force me. No." No way in hell I'm going to weigh myself around people. That's not what almost made me lose my shit though. Shortly into our session someone knocked at her office door. "Oh," Sarah said, "I forgot". In walks the psychiatrist's PA.
And that's when I about lost my shit. Old Asperger's habits kicked in and I couldn't look up from the floor. She wanted to weigh me, again I refused. I told my therapist I didn't want to speak with the PA because I was meeting with my doctor the next day. So she sent her away. She did say I was really under-weight though when Sarah told her what I weighed. Thank you, Captain Obvious. So the next day I went to my doctor's appointment. When I told my doctor Sarah said if I didn't come in to talk to her then she'd be calling her for me, she asked why. And that's when I broke down in tears. I never said the words "eating disorder" but after talking to her about my way of coping with the stress and my eating habits she's the one that said those two words. She asked what had caused me to slide and I told her everything about the fallout with Ashley. She was sweet about it, "Sweetie, I'm not just saying this to be nice, but that's ridiculous. You did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing. They're the ones with issues. Don't let them win by destroying yourself". She said she wanted to see about getting me in to see a psychiatrist for the eating disorder and to handle my ADHD medication but that's in addition to me seeing my therapist. Ugh, another $40 co-pay I can't afford. She also ran labs to check my iron and thyroid levels. Finally heard back today, thyroid is on the low end of a "safe" level and, surprise surprise, my iron is down. Like, way down. I mean, not as bad as last time, but my iron level as literally zero back then. They said my level was 22, and that it should be 80-102. So I have to take 325mg of over the counter iron two times a day for awhile. Better than having to do iron transfusions again but the nurse said I absolutely have to take it with orange juice and absolutely no dairy products. She said it has to be orange juice because the vitamin C is supposed to help me absorb it better. Funny, they never once told me that at the cancer center when I had to get transfusions twice a week for eight weeks. I hate orange juice with a passion. Joy.
I interviewed for the Assistant Coordinator position at Teen Court today. And now, we wait. I want that job so bad I can't stand it. This is my 10th year with the program, I love it. I love being a part of it. But if I don't get this job, if it goes to someone else, I think I'm going to have to walk away. Ugh.
So Tuesday I was in my office at court and I was finished with everything that needed to be done before court that night so just out of curiousity I pulled up tickets for the Cher concert in Lubbock in a few weeks. I noticed there were still good seats available for a decent price. Lubbock is a decent drive from where I live, so I never thought to look at tickets. Well...I decided after all the hell I've been dealing with I needed a morale boost. And I really wanted to see Cher again. Sooooo I bought tickets. And then totally had a spaz attack in my office which then caused my boss to come in to see what was wrong and then she started laughing at me. I GET TO SEE CHER FOR THE FOURTH TIME!!! And Pat Benatar is opening for her again! And this will be the first show with the new Bob Mackie costumes and the set list has changed some. OMG I'M SO EXCITED! It gets better. So Cher's best friend, Pauly, is like the sweetest person ever and spends a lot of time talking to Cher fans through Twitter and Instagram. And anytime a fan tells her where they're sitting at one of Cher's shows Pauly goes to find them and talks to them for a bit and takes a selfie or two with them. She says she wants to meet all of her Twitter and Instagram friends. She wasn't at the Dallas show when I went because she flew home for a wedding so I didn't get to meet her. When I told her I was going to be at the Lubbock show she was like, "OMG yes! We finally get to meet! We HAVE to take a selfie when I see you!" Even though I'd give my right arm to meet Cher, I know it won't happen. But I finally get to meet sweet Pauly so it's all good. 15 more days!