It's been months since my last post, and for good reason. I've been dealing with so much hell the past couple of months. I had no desire to talk about it with anyone but my therapist really, all I really wanted to do was curl up in a dark room and not leave. How does the saying go? "When it rains, it pours". More like fucking tsunami. I'll try to trim this post down as best as I can, but I have a feeling it's going to be long.
Remember those photo books I gave Ashley and Marilyn at the end of July? Yeah, apparently I fucked up. Literally a month, almost to the day, after I gave them the books I got a text from Marilyn asking me to come over, "just to talk, remember it's just me :)" she said. I immediately wondered if I had done something, and when I asked all she would say was, "we just need to talk". So, on the verge of a panic attack, I went over to her house. When I walked in she hugged me and said to come sit down so we could talk. As she walked towards the sitting area my feet didn't move from the kitchen, "No, not until you tell me what's going on. Did I do something wrong?" I moved to the sitting area but didn't sit down. "I think we need to talk about boundaries," she said sweetly, "You know how Ash and Jeff felt about us posting pictures of the boys on Instagram". "Right..." I said both cautiously and confused, "And I took everything down months ago". Marilyn nodded, "I know you did. But then you posted a picture of the book and-" "Oh my God," I blurted out as I started to shake, "The book. Oh God, Marilyn, I didn't even think of it as posting a picture of the boys. I-I...I'll take it down right now". While trying to calm me down she said, "I still want to be a part of your life. I love you and really want us to stay friends". And then it hit be like a ton of bricks, "Bu-but Ashley doesn't. She wants me out?" I can't remember what was said after that, I think she said, "They're pretty upset right now", and then I started shaking so bad I felt like I was going to fall in the floor and I could feel the tears coming. She tried to hug me and all I could say was, "No, don't. I-I-I ha-have to g-get out of h-here" before I sprinted out of the house. When I hit the driveway I had to put my head in-between my knees before I could get in my car. When I got home I cried and cried, and texted Ashley apologizing for my "lapse in judgement" thinking she'd at least want to talk it out. And you know what she fucking said? "Thank you for your help with the boys during that season. We simply feel now is a good time to move forward, we wish you nothing but the best". Basically a, "I'm breaking up with you but I hope we can still be friends" bullshit text. Marilyn and I stayed in constant contact, she would randomly check on me throughout the day, and a few days later Ashley called me. I started crying the second I picked up the phone. Her voice was calm, too calm. She said, "Before I start I want to give you the chance to say something. Is there anything you want to say to me?" I kept saying "I'm so so sorry" and "you have no idea how sorry I am" over and over, getting more and more upset. She said she had to protect her boys, but said she knew I'd never purposely do something to harm them, and that I could still love and hug on the boys all I wanted at church. Still crying I said, "Tell me how to fix this, please. Tell me what to do and I'll do it. I don't want to lose you and the boys. Ashley please." She said I'd just have to give it time and I continued with the "I'm sorrys", "You have no idea what I've been dealing with the past few months, I'm under so much pressure". She said she knew and that's when I snapped, "NO. You don't know. You have no idea what I've been dealing with". The line got quiet. "I guess you don't consider me family anymore" I said. She said, "I still care about you deeply" and that's when I hung up.
Marilyn and I started talking more. Two weeks after the phone call I was working in Timothy's room and had to talk to them while they checked him in. I called them Mr & Mrs [last name] and apparently it really bothered Ashley, she kept asking her mom, "Why would she call us that?" I became an emotional wreck who couldn't stop crying and shook constantly. I relapsed with my eating disorder. Hard. Marilyn and I met for coffee one day, that was nice. Therapy wasn't doing much good but she urged me to keep going, kept telling me to hang on because things would work out over time. Even with my Adderall I couldn't focus in class, the shaking didn't stop, all I wanted to do was stay in bed, and my eating still hasn't gotten better. Prior to all of this I was 105-115. Today I'm 97 pounds, my doctor said she never wanted to see me below 110.
Separating this into more than one post so it won't be so long.