I have like three draft posts that have been sitting in my inbox for weeks, yet for some reason I couldn't push myself to post them. Much less finish them. Settle in for a long post. I guess I should start by saying the past 3 or 4 weeks for me have been, to put it midly, a living hell. I am drained physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I am broken. I am a failure. I am so tired of feeling like a failure who will never amount to anything. And yet that's all that voice in my head is telling me I'll be. About a month ago I had to pick up my dad from walk-in clinic care and rush him to the ER or they were going to rush him there by ambulance. Not exactly the best phone call to receive first thing in the morning. They were literally waiting for us at the door when we arrived. Long story short something on an EKG was bad enough to send him to the hospital, they think something is wrong with his heart. Basically a month later, and all we've heard is "we're going to run some more tests". The only upside to this shit is Dad is finally quiting smoking for real this time. However because Dad has been feeling so bad he hasn't been able to work, and that's saying a lot for him. Typically he practically has to be on death's door to keep from working. Or, you know, puking his guts out. Here's the bad thing about him being self-employed: there's no such thing as paid sick leave. If he doesn't sell something that day, or whatever else it is he does to make money, then he doesn't get paid. He goes to work before the sun comes up and there are nights where he doesn't come home until 9 or 10 and at times he's on the road at 3am the next morning working again. He works 7 days a week. He's partners in all of these businesses yet he's the only one with no money it seems. He hasn't been able to work in like a month. Basically none of our bills can be paid this month and Dad's saying he should just give up. I just opened a bill from my surgeon and it's basically $2,000 I'm supposed to have paid by the end of next month. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm terrified to show it to him. So now I'm sitting here, in tears, thanking God I'm the only one home right now.
Dad's incident happened on a Tuesday. The next day, Wednesday, my grandfather fell off a ladder and landed on his back on the (hard) dirt ground. Had a body scan done on Thursday and nothing appeared broken or ruptured. Friday he had to be rushed to ICU by ambulance, where we all endured a full hellacious week. Turns out he had a broken rib and the bone was "bleeding" into his chest cavity, making it literally impossible for his lungs to fully expand. He oxygen levels were in the shit hole. He started hallucinating from the pain meds, ripped out his IVs at least four times, and said my grandmother and the nurses were conspiring against him. He also thought the nurses were showing up drunk and hooking up when no one was looking. They had to physically restrain him to the bed because he kept trying to get up, by then he had been up for 36 hours straight. He finally crashed and slept for 30 hours straight. 6 days after being admitted into ICU, and a few days after coming out of his paranoid state, he was stable enough to be moved to a normal room for a day before being released. He's much better now. Still a bit weak, but he's recovering well.
I think it's clear from my first paragraph that my depression is pretty bad right now. There have been setbacks with my knee-surgery recovery, my knee is dislocating when I walk and that definitely isn't good, and that's pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. My nerves are so shot I feel like I'm constantly shaking. I haven't gotten more than 4 crappy hours of sleep at night in probably two months. My motivation to keep up with my school work is basically non-existent. I can't focus, even with my adderall. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears at any random moment. My eating isn't great and I know that just makes me feel worse, and giving into it makes me feel like even more of a failure. My doctor just upped my anxiety/anti-depressant meds a little bit yesterday but how long will I have to deal with the darkness before it kicks in? I feel like I can't function and it's only stressing me out more. I'm falling apart.
When the darkness envelops me I fight like hell to find a silver lining to cling to. Penny is good for that of course, but the more silver linings I can find the better off I am. I'm a firm believer that God puts people into our lives at exactly the right moment: when we need them the most. For the past few months I've been talking with a new friend and, if I'm being totally honest with myself, she may be the only person right now that makes me feel like A) I'm not a failure and B) that I'm not handling all of this shit like a spoiled, immature, crazy brat. The funny thing is we've yet to actually meet. For her privacy's sake, because of who she is, I'll be a bit vague about her and for that I apologize. A (former) mutual friend of ours put us in touch with each other via Instagram due to our mutual love of goldendoodles close to a year ago. Private messages about nothing but our doodles turned more into life conversations and now she'll call me on a fairly regular basis just to talk and see how I'm doing. God bless her for that. I can't for the life of me understand why she seems to like me as much as she does, or why in the hell she would want to invest her time into me, but I am so grateful she does. I feel like I can trust her. Like she's safe. And it scares the shit out of me. My trust issues got so much worse after the whole shit-fest with Ashley and Marilyn. Yet why have I let my guard down so easily with her? What if I'm being played and as soon as my depression gets too much for her to deal with she just walks away? Trust issues suck, y'all. Big time.