"I've been pushed way past the point of breaking, but I can take it"

Once again I feel like starting this post with profanities but that's not a habit I want to get into. Instead I'll start this post in what may be the only positive news I have right now. Nana is doing so much better. In fact, she's being released from the rehab facility a week from today! She'll still have a lot of physical, occupational, and speech therapy but she'll finally get to go home! It's been about two months since her fall. Two months since an emergency craniotomy to stop bleeding in her brain. And two months since we thought we were going to lose her. Thankful the Lord is slowly bringing her back to us. 

Aside from that, things are bad. And they just keep getting worse. I found out our insurance is about to go into default, due to lack of payment, and if/when that happens I am royally fucked. And I don't mean I'm fucked as in I won't be able to see my doctors or get the treatments I need, oh no. I mean if it defaults I'll be on the hook for the two iron transfusions I had. The iron transfusions are $10,000. A piece. And that's low-balling the cost. I am so fucked, y'all. 

Yesterday I met with my psychiatrist for a follow-up, I have to see him every 3 months or so because of the ADHD and depression medications. When I told him about the health issues I've been dealing with, especially the blackouts, he said, "I really don't see how you can work with that happening. That's just adding more stress on you and it doesn't sound very safe". Then when I started to tell him that I literally don't have a choice I started crying and then, of course, that triggered a full force panic attack. Naturally that only made me more upset. When I was finally able to breathe like a normal person again (thank God for Penny being there) he asked, "Can I up the dosage on your antidepressant?" To which I replied with zero hesitation, "Yes, please do". He also changed my sleep medication again so I can hopefully start getting a functioning amount of sleep. I actually left his office feeling hopeful, I felt like things would be at least a little brighter once the higher dose of antidepressants got in my system. Then I went to drop off the prescriptions to be filled and that's when everything went to hell. Just to get my ADHD and new sleep meds filled was going to cost $110. We can't afford that. By the time I got home I was in tears again and of course Mom only made it worse when I told her why I was so upset. "I can't believe you'd do this to us right now," she started her lecture with. Wait...what? D-did...did she just say what I think she said? Oh yes, my dear readers, she fucking went there. And she didn't stop there, "We don't have insurance and we can't pay our bills and you choose now of all times to do this? You don't even need sleep medicine that strong, that's like three times my dose, I think he's over medicating you and that's dangerous. And why go up on your antidepressant so much? I think you're being a bit dramatic. Why couldn't you wait until the first of the year? You're not even trying to get a job and I don't get it". Oh the things I wanted to yell, but I bit my tongue. I calmly told her I have been trying to get a job but even the psychiatrist said he didn't think it was a wise idea for me to be working until I get the health issues under control. You know what her response was? "Well he obviously doesn't understand how bad things are financially. And I think you're being a bit ridiculous and dramatic about these '"black out spells" you claim you're having". Oh.Fuck.No. At that point I just walked away from her and then she went all, "See? This is what you do. You just walk off when you don't like what I'm saying. Don't get mad at me for trying to make you be realistic". I am so fucking done. Now that I think about it, she's probably a huge reason why my self-esteem is, to say the least, in the shithole. When I got home from visiting Nana last night, whom I went to see after Mom finished chewing me out, I was in bad shape. I could barely turn my head at all before I would get super woozy, and I was shaking something terrible. My stomach was in so many knots I threw up and then went to bed. I can't help but feel like a failure...again. I mean, I didn't technically force myself to throw up, but I feel like I worked myself up so bad that it led my brain to induce vomiting on its own to gain"relief" and isn't that the same thing as purging? 

It's times like this I wish Jayne was still around, gotta say I miss my Blondie. Anytime I'd email her about stuff like this she would start her emails like, "Oh CherBear..." and then she'd go mom-mode on me as she'd write out her "female Dr.Phil" words of wisdom. Then she'd make me laugh by bringing up an old memory like, "Remember that time I was tutoring you at your house to help you prepare for your freshman English final in high school and I broke your parents' hole-puncher? Then we had to go to my classroom to finish putting that binder together. I think we laughed the entire ride there, you gave me sooo much crap about it!" Or the countless times I teased her about her blonde moments, finding her glasses/keys/phone/God knows what else for her when I'd hang out in her classroom, grading papers for her, in 8th grade if I was caught up in my classes. Oh, and the time Jasmine and I were talking to her about Daniel, the guy I dated in high school, getting a little too handsy two months into our relationship haha. Jayne was like, "If he ever tries that again, I'm breaking out the handcuffs". Without missing a beat Jasmine said, "Ohhh, kinky" and to this day I have still never seen Jayne smack someone upside the head so fast. We laughed so hard that day. 

Doodle Buddy reminds me of Jayne in a lot of ways. Maybe it's the "mom-vibe", I don't know. It's funny, she said something the other day like, "I'm not going to go full mom-mode on you because eventually you'll probably start tuning me out" and I couldn't help but think God that is such a Blondie comment. Jayne probably said that exact phrase to me hundreds of times throughout our ten year friendship. She hasn't pulled a "Marissa Ann..." comment yet but considering how our conversations have been lately she's probably not too far off from doing so haha. Don't get me wrong, I'm not attempting to replace Blondie with DB. That's literally impossible. Jayne literally watched me grow up from that little quiet, insecure, twelve year old girl who wore Cher shirts way too much and would walk in and out of her classroom everyday with her head down looking at the ground, to the 22yr old who somehow had the confident to speak in front of a packed room at an Autism conference. She always saw that "quiet strength" in me and reminded me that she did frequently. Jayne was my rock and second mom through some of the toughest times in my life; always reminding me how much she loved me and how proud she was of me. She knew the relationship with my own Mom wasn't the best so she took it upon herself to fill in the gaps when necessary. I feel like I rambled a bit there...my bad, y'all. My point is Double Buddy can't "replace" Jayne simply because the history isn't there. And also because  no one can replace Blondie haha. I love the friendship I have with DB and how it's evolved as of now though. She calls me out on my crap and that's one of the many reasons I love her. Plus she can relate to my crazy doodle mom quirks and our conversations are never dull haha. Thankful to have her around.

I can't think of the best way to end this post, so I'll just say this: I've said countless times over the past years "I want to get better", meaning it every single time until my "world" falls apart again. Asperger's or not, anxiety/panic disorder or not, struggling through the day to day life I currently have is no excuse for not taking care of myself. It was during my last conversation with DB that I realized this, and I think in some way I was using it as a crutch. That has to stop. I realize simply typing that doesn't mean jack squat. I know it'll take work, a lot of work, and I'll probably fail many times in the process. But this vicious cycle needs to stop. I'm not sure how I need to go about it all right now, but I do know I need to at least try. And that's a start, right?

Later all.

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