"Cause I've had time to think it through, and maybe I'm too good for you"

It's been over a year since my last post. Fuck. I guess I should start with a quick recap of what's been going on in my world lately: In Jan/Feb Chris and I spent his last few weeks in the country together. We were basically living together those last few weeks and honestly? We couldn't have been happier or closer. After the moving company cleaned out his apartment he stayed at my house for a couple of weeks before we went to Florida. Surprisingly my parents didn't put up much of a fight when I told them it was ridiculous to make him sleep on the couch when I used to spend the night at his place alone with him. So, he slept in bed with me and Penny. We both enjoyed coming home to each other when we'd get off work. Florida was great, we spent about two and a half weeks there, and his aunt and I got quite close. This trip felt more like visiting family than "oh we're going to see Chris' aunt and his friends". His friends were now my friends too. Originally Chris would go to Maryland to spend a week or two with his Mom before going to Korea, and I would fly back to Texas. We were away from each other for all of one day before he flew me to Maryland to be with him. Leaving Florida without him was hard on both of us. We had both grown so accustomed to falling asleep together we both started having issues sleeping alone. The night before I flew home we were laying in bed holding each other, crying. I didn't want to leave. Chris didn't want me to leave. That one night away from each other was rough. My bed still smelled like him when I got home and it was almost too much for me to handle. He told me when he got back to his aunt's after taking me to the airport he walked into our room and started crying, the bed still smelled like me. He couldn't sleep that night because he'd roll over to kiss me or snuggle and remember I wasn't there. 

Chris flew to Korea on the 7th, his birthday. A week later, on my birthday, my dad's shop blew up. By "blow up" I mean full on mushroom cloud, hazmat had to be dispatched to the scene, exploded. According to the fire marshall my dad shouldn't even be alive right now. When my mom got the call I was getting ready to go see a movie with a friend. My room is right across the hall from my parents, so when the doors are open I can hear everything. I remember hearing mom's phone go off, and shortly after hearing her say, "What do you mean you're climbing out of the back of an ambulance?" My dad assumed, due to seeing reporters out at the scene, the news had already broke about the explosion...it hadn't. I was on the phone with my nana when my mom came into my room and said, "dad's shop just exploded. He's okay but they're still trying to get the fire out". I said into the phone, "Uh, nana, let me call you back. Dad's shop just exploded and I need to see what's going on". As soon as I hung up I grabbed my Uggs and purse, "I've got to get out there," I said. I needed to see for myself that my dad was really okay. I told my mom I'd call her when I got there and let her know what was going on. I messaged my friend who works for the local newspaper to see what he knew (aka I wanted to know what he could found out from pulling the dispatch records). I hauled ass out towards my dad's shop, driving way faster than I probably should have been. The police had set up barricades within about a three block radius to keep the public out, just in case anything else exploded. I had been expecting that and had my license in hand to flash at the officer to let me through. I pulled into a parking lot and barely had my car in park before I jumped out. "Ma'am, you can't go in there," the officer told me. I flashed my license, unintentionally yelling, "Try and stop me. That's my dad's shop. I'm going in," and ran past him as the owner of the shop next to dad's yelled to the officer, "It's okay, let her go. That's really her dad". I remember sliding on the wet gravel as I ran towards what remained of my dad's shop yelling, "Dad?! DAD!" as I past firemen and hazmat. Paramedics were loading an empty stretcher into the back of an ambulance. A crowd was gathering near the barricades on either side of the scene. The smell of burning gasoline was unmistakable. "Shit," I thought, "the gas cans. Dad always has gas in his shop". Still screaming for my dad I heard someone else yell back, "He's okay!" but I still to this day have no idea who it was. I saw my dad's truck driving around and ran towards it. My dad was in his truck with the mechanic. He rolled down the window and had a, "what are you doing here?" look on his face. "What the fuck did you do?" I asked, the mechanic laughed. My dad had been working on a car when a flash of light caught his attention. He looked up just as the gas heater on the other side of the shop started spitting out flames. He hauled ass out of there and about 20 seconds after getting outside the whole building exploded. The fire marshall said had my dad not looked up when he did he would be dead. He wouldn't have been able to get out in time. Turns out the heater had a gas leak in it and we've been told the only way to know with those older heaters is when something like this happens. All of dad's equipment was lost in the fire and we're still fighting insurance. It doesn't matter. All I care about it that my dad made it out. He's still struggling with the trauma of it. 

About a month later our house went into foreclosure. In April Chris called me from Korea and broke up with me because he "couldn't handle the stress of a long distance relationship". Little by little, my world was collapsing yet again. I relapse with my eating disorder. I didn't care anymore. My parents almost separated a short time later. In May the owner of the trampoline park I worked at screamed at me over something someone else did so bad I ended up in the office with the GM shaking, sobbing, and having a panic attack. Earlier this month I finally couldn't take the verbal and emotional abuse any longer and quit my job. My anxiety was at an all time high and I was recently switched to Prozac because my depression had gotten so bad. 

I think the hardest part about this breakup with Chris is knowning how good the relationship was prior to him leaving. We were happy, so happy. He was my best friend. The first person I've been able to trust 100% in who knows how long. I trusted him enough to take off my purity ring two months into our relationship. He was my first and I know that just complicates things more. I was my best self with him and I miss that feeling. I had confidence with him, confidence in a way I had never had before him. With Chris I felt safe, I felt loved. He knew how big of a deal it was for me to take that ring off, to no longer want to wait until I was married, and he never took it for granted. I know Chris well enough to know that he'll probably want to get back together when he gets back into the country, he recently told a friend that he's still in love with me. As much as Chris is the person I want to be with, I just don't know if I can play this game anymore. I can't wait around for it to be convienent for him. 

I'm supposed to go to Vegas, alone, for a super late birthday gift to see Cher (my 4th show!) in a couple weeks. I'm crazy excited about the whole thing, I need something good to happen this year, but thanks to my mother's inability to cut the cord and let me grow up, it's caused some tension with Doodlebuddy and I hate it. We're finally getting the chance to meet up after 3 years of friendship, and I'm more excited about it than probably the show itself, but I can't help but feel a Cher concert isn't worth ruining my friendship with DB. I can only hope the tension I'm picking up on now with subside by the time my trip gets here. Hopefully. It'll be a quick trip, I'll fly down on Friday, show on Saturday, and fly home crazy early Monday, but I'm so looking forward to it. The weight of my world right now is suffocating, deafening, and this trip is the giving me the chance to take a step back from the real world for a moment. And I am so grateful for the opportunity. 

I'd be lying if I said I was doing well right now, I'm not. But I'm not as bad as I have been in the past and for that I'm grateful. Lately I've been having to take things hour by hour, and that's okay. I may feel like I'm a total fuck up right now, ruining literally anything good in my world, but I find peace in the fact that I don't always feel like this. 12 days from now I'll be in a city where only one person knows me and maybe it'll be exactly what I need to get back into a healthy mindset. Until then, I'll continue to work on getting back to my healthy, happy, self. I can't promise I'll do better about posting on here, but I'll try. Life may feel shitty right now but I know it'll get better eventually. JK Rowling once wrote that, "Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light". I may feel as though I'm surrounded by the darkness of depression right now but maybe, just maybe, it's only because I haven't found my light swtich yet. 

Later all


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