One of the (many) things I didn't mention in my last post was if anything else ever happened with the, traumatizing, fallout that happened with Ashley and her family. No, things didn't magically get better. For months if I ever accidently made eye contact with her she looked like she wanted to throat punch me. It's been almost a year since all of that hell went down, and it's only been 3 or 4 months since I started being "okay" from it all. Anyway, a couple of months ago she randomly said hi to me while I was in the nursery. As in, purposely went out of her way to make eye contact with me and said, "Hey Marissa! How are you?" in that bubbly happy way she always did when we were still friends. Stunned is the best word I can think of to explain my reaction. I kinda froze, actually. Even my fellow workers were like, "Did that just happen?" and when I told my boss about it she was just as stunned as I was. Then about two weeks ago I was working my last Sunday morning before my surgery that Tuesday. I happened to catch her in the hall and once again she was acting totally normal, like she hadn't been putting me through hell this past year. So I pullled her off to the side, away from that oh so lovely husband of hers, and asked if she would be willing to meet me for coffee, "I'm having surgery Tuesday so it'll be a few weeks before I'm up and moving but would you be up for meeting for coffee one day and talking? It's okay if not, I understand". Taking everything from the past year into account I fully expected her to say no. "Sure! Just text me whenever". Wait...what? I've been wanting this to happen for so long but I'm honestly pretty nervous at the thought of it now. Oh, but wait. It gets weirder. This past Sunday was my first Sunday back at work since my surgery. I just happened to be following them through a door. Jeff held the door open for me, which I didn't find odd, and then made a point to ask me about my leg and stuff. I realize to most people this sounds like just normal small talk and it's not a big deal but you have to remember this is the same man who called me from his wife's phone a year ago and basically verbally attacked me and told me to never speak to, or go near, his family again. Yeah. Kind of a big deal. What the hell, y'all?
Today has been less of a "gloomy" day for me, mentally I mean. I just got a call from my knee surgeon's office and his assistant basically made me feel like a terrible person and failure for not being able to afford the $80 a session 3 times a week until insurance finishes processing everything. "You don't understand. You have to go 3 times a week no matter what, you have to figure out a way. If not the tendons won't stretch and it will all have been for nothing". Then when he found out I still can't bend my knee like I should be able to at this point he was like, "Again, you don't get it. You HAVE to go 3 times a week. Figure out a way to do it. You should already be able to fully bend your knee right now to prevent the scar tissue from forming. If it does then that's another reason you basically did surgery for nothing". Okay, asshole. Thanks for making feel like crying because I can't afford to pay $240 a WEEK in physical therapy sessions. I had no fucking clue it could take insurance 30 days before they start paying for my sessions. And that's even with them rushing the claim. Oh good, now my eyes are watering and I can feel a panic attack coming. I can't handle much more of this, y'all. I'm terrified my car is going to be re-poed, if that happens I can't do school and I'll have to start paying back my loans which means I won't be able to start taking classes again until that debt is paid. Not to mention my credit would be ruined. If I can't do the PT I need my knee goes right back to where it was, if not worse, and I just cost my Dad thousands of dollars he didn't have for no damn reason. I'm just failing at everything, I guess.
Friday I almost passed out a few times during physical therapy. I started doing PT back in February, we were all hoping it would fix my knee issue and prevent me from having surgery. At the time we didn't know about the cartilage and plica issue that was keeping it from healing right. Anyway my sessions ended in April because we wanted to see what the specialist would say and go from there. My lead physical therapist, Debbie, is fantastic. She's one of those people who's overly bubbly and sweet and you kinda want to throw something at her as a result. And I absolutely adore her. We got close because we started running into each other at dog classes and the dog park outside of sessions. She made sessions enjoyable, we'd be laughing so much I'd forget about the pain. She put up with my sarcasm and sass and gave it back to me ten fold. During my last session in April she had me on the treadmill and as we were laughing she said, "I can't work with you! You make me laugh too much!" I told her she was just as bad and then she threatened to push me off the treadmill lol. Who knows how many times I threatened to throw a ball at her head during sessions. But you know why I love that particular moment so much? Because right before that she sat me down in one of the examine rooms for a serious conversation. The week prior to that session I was working with her assistant, Candy. Candy noticed my legs were bruised all over during on of my exercises and long story short I ended up telling her about my eating disorder (eating disorder = anemia = easily bruises). By law she legally had to report it to Debbie, which I should have realized, and the next morning I had a call from Debbie. Technically she was returning my call about something else but she sweetly tried to be subtle, "Sooo, how's your eating". I laughed, "I see Candy talked to you," "You know she didn't have a choice. She's a certified assistant and legally she had to report it to me". We didn't really talk about it until my last appointment which brings me back to our conversation. While doing stretches I asked, "So just out of curiousity, what exactly did Candy tell you?" She smiled and said, "How about we talk about it? Just us, let's go find an open office". So we talked, and she was so sweet about it, told me they would be there for me in whatever way I needed to support me. Then after that we went back to the exercises and we laughed harder than we ever have throughout my session. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. I emailed her when I got home to thank her for the laughs, that I appreciated the escape from the stress of everything. She responded with the sweetest reply ever saying, "You have truly been a special patient for me" among other things. We've been keeping in touch through email and Facebook since then. Back to my PT session this past Friday. I forced myself to eat prior to my session so I don't know why I kept having the light-headed spells but there were definitely times where everything went white and I felt really close to passing out. It probably has something to do with my low iron levels.No surprise, Candy had to tell Debbie about it. I know she did because when Debbie responded to a question I emailed her about she said something about me needing to make sure I'm eating well to help with the healing. In caps, no less. **Sigh**
So when I had my PT evaulation three days after my surgery I was really looking forward to seeing Debbie. I had taken a full pain pill beforehand because I knew she'd be moving my knee a lot. It made me fairly drowsy but I still knew what was going on (if that makes sense). She said she was really happy to see me and naturally we fell back into our usual sarcasm. Her boss and one of the techs were in there helping her and at one point she said to them, "Even on pain meds she's still smart-mouthed and ornery" while laughing. To which I said to them, "I'd just like to point out that she's only being nice because y'all are in here. If y'all weren't in here she'd be just as bad". Without missing a beat the tech said, "Oh, we know. We work with her!"
I'm sure I've said this hundreds of times over the years but I want to work on getting better. I'm not talking about my knee, or even the eating disorder for that matter. It's been close to ten years since all of that horrible legal stuff happened with the school district, the event that's stuck with me ever since it happened. For whatever reason it still, to this day, haunts me. Maybe it's because that's what started the eating disorder and the trust issues? I don't know. All I know is I hate how much it still affects me this many years later. In a lot of ways I still blame myself for it, when the eating disorder takes over that voice in my head tells me I deserved every single bit of it. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to feel worthless 80% of the time? I'm terrified of getting close to people, especially after Ashley and Marilyn, because I feel like a waste of their time. That I'm a burden and as soon I open up they'll just leave like everyone else. Because who wants to be friends with someone with all these problems? The frustrating part about all of this is even when I'm having those "dark" thoughts there's always a tiny piece of me that knows how irrational I'm being and that pisses me off even more. If I know I'm being irrational then why does it keep happening? I don't understand. I'm so incredibly thankful for the people who have stuck by me this past year, the ones who just happened to come into my life when everything went to hell with Ashley, and especially for the ones who've recently come into my life and made me feel like I actually can trust them, that I actually do matter to them (you know who you are). I'm thankful for these people, but I still feel like I'm wasting their time. I just don't want to let them down like I let down Ashley and Marilyn. Like I've let myself down. I don't think I could handle being a disappointment to them.
Whelp, I think this post is long enough and my emotions are as raw as I can handle tonight. Goodnight all.